


Off Your Ass

by TheWerewolfOfWaggaWagga



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Drunk Texting, Drunkenness, Fury is a badass, Mild Language, Multi, My First AO3 Post, Sexual Humor, Tony Being Tony, Tony Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 06:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWerewolfOfWaggaWagga/pseuds/TheWerewolfOfWaggaWagga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Tony sent drunk texts and one time he didn’t. He gets progressively drunker for every text that he sends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Off Your Ass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nonymos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonymos/gifts).



This fic is dedicated to Nonymos, my favourite author and the person who made me decide to join Ao3. Love your work, His True Colours and The Mortal Sin are my faves ever! Check them out guys!

* * * * * *

 

TS: Clint.  
CB: Wot?  
TS: How did it go last night?  
CB: How did wot go?  
TS: You know what I'm talking about. IT.  
CB: How do U no about that?  
_ U bastard! Did U get Jarvis 2 spy on us?  
TS: Can you see me?  
CB: No.  
TS: I can see you.  
CB: Can U mayb NOT get Jarvis 2 spy on us!  
TS: He isn't.  
_ I am.  
CB: What the hell R U talking about?  
TS: Your clothes are crumpled, like they’ve spent the night on the floor. Your pants have a spot of something I’d raher not name on the thigh and you smell like perfume. You have traces of Natasha’s red lipstick on your face and bags under your eyes. She's neglected to brush her hair and you keep giving weird looks to each other.  
_ Plus I heard very suggestive noises coming from your room last night.  
CB: Where R U?  
TS: Lol. I'm in the air vents. Nice nest you’ve got in here.  
_ Huh. So that’s where my Black Sabbbath t-shirt went to.  
CB: U tell any1 about that & I’ll…  
TS: You’ll what?  
CB: Wot do U wnt?  
TS: Pretend you’re John Watson. We can pretened that Fury is Moriarty!  
_ And Pepper is Mss Hudson.  
_ Steve can be Lestrade!  
_ No, that’s Bruce! Steve can be my boring brother.  
_ I’ll have to wear my lifts. The really high ones.  
_ Cos Bernard’s dick Cucumberbatch iss re3lly tall.  
_ I could just borrow Pepper’s high heels.  
CB: U R drunk off UR ass, Rn’t U?  
TB: Phil is the unexpected badass cabbie who got shooted in the chest.  
_ Natsasha is your girlfriend who got kiddnaped!  
CB: Yep. Off your ass.  
TS: I'm not drunk.  
_ I'm Sherlock Holmes, bitch.

* * * * * *

TS: Sup point break, wana get drunk wiiht me  
TO: IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ALREADY ARE.  
TS: Nah imm not  
TO: THEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR ELECTRONIC SPEECH?  
TS: Itsv just an atocorect thinng  
TO: I SEE! WHAT WOULD BE THE OCCASION FOR THIS DRINK?  
TS: Therr needs to be aan ocs8ion?  
TO: IT SEEMS TO ME YOU SHOULD FIX THIS AUTOMATIC CORRECTION.  
TS: Seeems to m you s4old stop usein caps  
TO: I ENOY THEM! :)  
TS: Omg eid zu justt uuse emotkonz  
TO: INDEED I DID! ;)  
TS: O god itts wincking  
_ Weare doooomede

* * * * * *

TS: Hi stve I was thinking  
SR: Thinking?  
TS: Yes  
SR: About what?  
TS: What r u dning  
SR: I was just going for a jog, like I do every morning.  
TS: You want to fondue  
SR: WHAT?  
TS: You herad me  
SR: Are you drunk?  
TS: No itz jarvas playing wifth my phone  
SR: Look here, I like you and all, but not in that way!  
TS: Jessis stove its just melted chese I thought you licked cooking  
SR: Oh.  
_ Whoops. Sorry about that.  
_ Sure I will.  
TS: Say it  
SR: Huh?  
TS: Saye et  
SR: Yes Tony, I would love to make fondue with you.

* * * * * *

TS: BAHAHAHAHA!!!  
BB: What’s so funny?  
TS: I askd stiv if he wated to oake fondue  
BB: You WHAT?!  
TS: Fonduue  
BB: WHY?  
TS: I told hieim itwas just meltd cheeese  
_ It wers hila7rus  
BB: And he believed u?  
TS: Yeeeah  
BB: What did he do?  
TS: Hie sad, yees Tony ii wold loue too mack fondue witth youo  
BB: How drunk r u?  
TS: How died you tel  
BB: Bcos the only words u spelt correctly in that last sentence were ‘fondue’ and ur own name.  
TS: Wateveer  
BB: Did u tell any1 else?  
TS: I was gon to tell roddy but last tim I was stupid he beet me up with my suitt  
_ And then stwole it  
BB: I’m not even gonna ask.  
_ You didn’t tell Pepper, did u?  
TS: Was I knot meenat to  
PP: What on EARTH were you thinking?!  
TS: Wkoopsab  
_ Shees fund mie  
BB: Ur in such deep shit right now.  
_ LOL  
TS: Heelp miwe seence brow  
BB: You're on your own.  
TS: Yo r sxo dumpad  
PP: Tony! I know you're there!  
TS: Poleseee  
BB: Good luck!  
TS: Fuxsk ouyu

* * * * * *

TS: Why dontt you have a carot?  
NMF: What?  
TS: A biird  
NMF: For the last time, I'm not a motherfucking pirate.  
TS: Buut you havve an eyee9ach ndur a bas bum  
NMF: That’s because I only have one eye and I can shoot people in the face.  
_ And it's ‘badass’, not ‘bad bum’.  
TS: Hehefhe baad bum I woodnt do you  
NMF: How drunk are you?  
TS: Veeyr  
NMF: And what did I say I’d do if you drunk texted me again?  
TS: Youuuusaid you wooo  
NMF: Would what?  
_ Stark.  
_ Did you just pass out?  
_ Stark!  
_ STARK!  
_ Motherfuckers, all of you.

* * * * * *

???: Hey.  
_ Hey Loki.  
LMOA: Who are you? What do you want?  
_ How did you get this number?  
???: I'm Batman.  
_ NANANANANANANANA!!  
LMOA: Who are you really?  
???: Alright, you got me. I'm Spider-Man.  
LMOA: What-man?  
SM: I'm offended. Heartbroken. Crushed. Utterly devastated.  
_ Why do you even have a cell phone? I thought you hated ‘pathetic mortal stuff’.  
LMOA: Answer my questions, Spider-Man. What do you want?  
SM: Lol! You seriously thought I was Spider-Man!  
LMOA: Tell me the truth!  
???: I'm NICK MOTHERFUCKING FURY you asshole!  
LMOA: I will END you! Now TELL ME!!  
???: I am telling the truth.  
_ Trust me.  
_ I'm the Doctor.  
LMOA: When I find you, I will DESTROY you.  
???: What do your initials stand for?  
_ If you were trying to spell ‘Laughing My Ass Off’, you got the O and A switched around.  
_ You weren't, were you?  
_ God no.  
_ That’s hilarious!  
LMOA: It stands for ‘Loki: Master of All’.  
_ Including you.  
_ And as your master I order you to TELL ME!  
???: You wish, Reindeer Games.  
LMOA: YOU?!?!  
TS: You know who I am?  
LMOA: Anthony. Edward. Stark.  
_ I hate you.  
TS: Do you know everyone’s middle names?  
_ Staaaalkeeeer…..  
LMOA: What do you want?  
_ You're drunk, aren't you?  
TS: The Awesome One And Only Gold-Titanium Alloy Man Who Thinks War Machine Sounds Better Than Iron Patriot And Is Always Right Because He Is So Awesome is very drunk.  
_ But not me. I can't get drunk.  
: Rogers?  
SR: Lol no.  
_ The Awesome One And Only Gold-Titanium Alloy Man Who Thinks War Machine Sounds Better Than Iron Patriot And Is Always Right Because He Is So Awesome tinkers when he is drunk.  
_ He appears to have made some modifications to my speech pattern and behaviour.  
_ I just hope he doesn’t touch Dummy.  
_ We’d all be gonzo in like, five minutes, man.  
_ Seriously, just chill, dude. Get some brains or something.  
_ That would be totally excellent.  
LMOA: Who are you?!  
Hippie: I’m like, really old, man.  
_ And kinda dead, you know?  
_ I seriously have the voice of like, a dead bro.  
_ Like, oh my gawd. It is like, so like, oh my gawd. Like, gross.  
_ Like, do you get it? One day The Awesome One And Only Gold-Titanium Alloy Man Who Thinks War Machine Sounds Better Than Iron Patriot And Is Always Right Because He Is So Awesome is just gonna like, wake up and be like, oh my gawd I gave my computer like, the voice of a dead guy and I’ll be like, duh, did you only figure that out now? Yeah, it's gonna be like, soooo weird.  
LMOA: What in Nilfheim are you talking about?  
Barbie: I dunno, mate. I'm just fair dinkum buggered up right about now. Bloody hell.  
_ Oh, I do apologise for all the trouble I’ve caused you, fair sir. It does quite seem The Awesome One And Only Gold-Titanium Alloy Man Who Thinks War Machine Sounds Better Than Iron Patriot And Is Always Right Because He Is So Awesome cannot decide which voice to choose.  
LMOA: This is Stark’s talking computer, isn't it? JARVIS?  
JARVIS: Could be, eh? Or maybe I was telling the truth all along, eh.  
LMOA: And that would be?  
JARVIS: I'm Batman.


End file.
